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With Respect, Michael

by Michael on 2005 Mar 27 - 04:26 | reply to this comment Losing her You say you can't afford to lose her in your business. If that is the case then it sounds to me very much as if it is her business as well as yours, if it was just your business then you wouldn't need her so much. Why do you object to her being your partner in business as well as in marriage?

by Louise C on 2005 Mar 27 - 07:01 | reply to this comment What You Have Found: Business Or Pleasure It seems to me that you have found an excellent business partner. But, from what I have seen personally and from observing others around me, a business partner is ordinarily a very poor choice for a spouse. I think your misgivings about this relationship is due in great measure to the fact that you sense this but don't wish to really admit it to yourself.

KrosRogue

by KrosRogue on 2005 Mar 27 - 07:11 | reply to this comment "ours" I can see why you would be bothered by her referring to the business as "ours." Unless you have told her otherwise, it is your business. The fact that she is already anticipating it is in part hers before she has a ring on her finger could make you nervous. You've never been married before, but you're likely old enough to have seen friends lose their shirts in bitter divorces. I certainly wouldn't blame someone in your position for being a little leary.

That being said, if you thought she were a gold digger only after your business, you wouldn't have asked her to marry you in the first place.

It's my guess that your bigger worry is about losing control in both your business and your relationship. You want to lead the business, and the relationship, and she may not like to be led. If it is important to you to lead the relationship, you need to have someone who can accept that position. It is possible that she doesn't see you as worthy of obedience yet, but I think it's more likely that she's like my best friend who is "her own woman." Some women just weren't built to be in a male led relationship. They feel it somehow diminishes them. If this is truly important to you I suggest you talk to her now. Maybe if she understands why you want to lead coffee –- the sensory input (women are creatures of their senses; because of our larger corpus callosum between the two hemispheres of the brain, we have access to our thoughts and feelings the same time. So, you must keep her in her masculine-energy, Yang mind; not her feeling yin mind. Oh, that means not to the park amidst the spring flowers either!))

Tell her you are having some real hardship with the lack of established, negotiated boundaries as you plan to join your lives together. A relationship needs complements, not competitors. If you are going to be the masculine-energy partner, then she HAS to be willing to be the feminine-energy partner. (I strongly recommend you read Dr. Pat Allen’s book: Getting to "I Do" before you speak with her, and offer the book to her as a template of how you see your relationship being built.) Gently make her aware that even though you are marrying, there MUST be boundaries negotiated between you; and a biggie is how you will keep your business and personal lives balanced; and how much you will allow her to assume some roles and responsibilities in YOUR business –- but it remains your business, and the lack of negotiated boundaries is causing a problem for you -- and you want to negotiate and heal it before it destroys your personal relationship.

I cannot stress strongly enough you MUST retain your emotional balance –- if you whine or get angry or express your annoyance too strongly, you will throw her over into her competitiveness, and end up fighting. As the man in the relationship, who loves his wife-to-be, you must take the lead and set up the relationship in a way that will most likely make it succeed. That’s your job! Sometimes that means you have to refuse her something she wants, or channel her into some other direction in order to best suit the relationship.

I wish you luck. I know it can be done, because my husband did it for me. Yes it hurt -- but had he not pulled up the reins on my exuberant “helping” in his business, I would have destroyed our marriage before it even happened!!

Mike's Girl

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Mar 27 - 23:03 | reply to this comment Who is Projecting? Michael, my point is that it takes two to tango. There are very often reasons why a person feels driven to unpleasant behavior. Before leaping to the judgment that "she needs to be spanked," a sensible man should take a good look at himself and decide whether his own behavior hasn't somehow set it off.

You make it all sound sweet and cloying. It's noteworthy to me that my husband has now realized and apologized for his part in what happened, and says now that he bore more than half the responsibility for the problem. If he'd "taken me in hand" back then without that bit of self knowledge, we'd be divorced now.

"Pat"

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Mar 28 - 01:55 | reply to this comment The woman taking over This sort of thing may work if the woman is the type who doesn't mind her life being directed by the man, but she may not be. Also, she may not have your faith in self-help books. If, for instance, she is the sort of woman who is allergic to them, like me, she could react very negatively to being told to run her life according to some lame book. If my husband had told me to read a book to tell me how I should be have when we were married, we would never have got married. I would have been deeply hurt and insulted that he thought I should model myself according to what one of these inane books said. Self-help books are not helpful if you are a nonconformist, as this woman may be. Being patronised by her husband-to-be may not have a beneficial effect on her at all, it may merely make her fling the ring back in his face.

by Louise C on 2005 Mar 28 - 08:29 | reply to this comment And Then Some I think the whole thing is patronizing. If you want to bring a woman into helping you out in your business but you want to keep a professional, highly skilled person as the good little helpmeet, you are barking up the wrong tree in the first place.

Men seem to do this..get their girlfriends into helping them on an aspect of the business..often at no pay..oh, btw, are you paying her? Were you paid, Mike's Girl?

But heaven forbid she should have an opinion about the business and how it is run. This despite her having the expertise, this despite her caring deeply about the man and wanting his business to succeed. This is overstepping? I don't think so. Why shouldn't she think of it as a joint venture when she is already working for you and marriage is in the offing?

If you want a good little helpmeet who won't argue with you, then hire one. But she likely won't have the business savvy either. As far as self help books to tell a woman how to behave in a marriage, please. My vote is with Louise.

I think it's cold feet plus ego that is causing the problem. Here's a woman who is eager and willing to help him in any way possible, even if it means disagreeing with him (good for her!).

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